Fatal Beatings

Aquí os dejo un video que me han hecho llegar que realmente me parece una genialidad. Como a más de uno le cuesta el ingles o no lo domina demasiado y sino se entiende no tiene demasiada gracia a continuación del mismo os dejo la transcripción:



FATAL BEATINGS

H. Well, now, Mr Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you are a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.
P. No, no, absolutely, headmaster. If Tommy is in some sort of trouble, I'd like to nip it in the bud.
H. Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.
P. Oh dear!
H. He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field and it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.
P. Oh dear!
H. Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.
P. I beg your pardon ?
H. Yes, expelled! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear.
P. Tommy's dead ?
H. Yes. He's lying up there in the sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green. And this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he is flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he is completely immovable. And beginning to smell.
P. How did he die ?
H. Well, is that important ?
P. Well, yes, I think so.
H. Well, it's all got to do with the library. You see we've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating during which he died. But you'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught. So I don't think we'll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see the library card system....
P. I'm sorry. You beat my son to death ?
H. Yes, yes. So it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see the library card system was introduced .....
P. What exactly happened ?
H. Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books.
P. No, during the beating.
H. Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over ; the next moment he was lying down.
P. Dead ?
H. Well, deadish. Mr Perkins, I find this morbid fascination of yours with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude. And quite frankly I can see where he gets it from.
P. It wasn't me that beat him to death.
H. Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out to be a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.
P. Are you mad ?
H. I'm furious. In order to accommodate the funeral, I've had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday.
P. This is preposterous.
H. Yes, I know it is. Or at least it would be if it were true.
P. What ?
H. I've been joking, Mr Perkins; it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.
P. Thank God !
H. I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit.